Dear Truth-Teller,

I am married to a man who is my best friend. We have similar goals, laugh together, give each other our space while supporting each other's individual passions, and parent as a team. A year ago, "Scott" decided he wanted to leave his job of 16 years to start his own business. We shuffled some things, met with a financial planner and made it happen. So far, he's done incredibly well and is enjoying himself immensely. It is terrifically rewarding to see him excited to go to work every day but it's beginning to strain our relationship that he is working so many hours.

A month ago I finally worked up the courage to ask him why we haven't had sex in over six months. He's gained a little weight since starting his own business and I know that that impacts his self-esteem a great deal. I assured him that I'm still physically attracted to him and I miss the physical intimacy. He swears that his feelings for me haven't changed and says that he's not sure what the issue is and he doesn't really know how to address it. I'm positive he's not having an affair, I know he loves our kids and I believe he loves me as much as always. The trouble is, he loves his work so much that he seems more willing to bury himself in that than attempt to find any answers. I don't want to nag him to go to the gym (even though I have a feeling that it will help him immensely) and I don't want to harp on him for not trying to work on it. I'm not sure where to go from here. We've been married for 15 years and have two gorgeous children. Both of us are committed to our relationship, but I’m too young (and so is he) to give up on sex, nor am I willing to. He felt badly that I'm upset, but I don't see him going to a therapist and, so long as I don't push it I think I'm giving him an excuse to ignore the whole issue.


Dear Seeker,
You know this already...but you are so, so, so lucky. Even though it's all the rage in the movies, hardly anyone really gets to say they are married to their best friend after fifteen years. You must be very grateful.

Starting a business is one of the most all-consuming efforts ever--it can not be overstated. Like childbirth, if anyone really knew what it would be like before they did it, there'd be far fewer entrepreneurs. The share-of-mind can be even worse than the number of hours, so I can appreciate how intimacy can become a distant memory. It just doesn't seem as pressing as the work.

However, taking care of your relationship is just as much of a priority, so it's good you are on top of it.You are right not to nag him about the gym or the weight. He will deal with that when he's ready--and only he can be in charge of how he feels about himself.

The main thing you can do is figure out what you can do--and not make it about what he's not doing. For example, if you took it upon yourself to do date night once every other week, and you sat down with him and seriously asked him to participate. You get the babysitter, if need be, plan the outing, and when you get home, make it part of the ritual to take the initiative with him. Even if you have not normally been the aggressor, now's the time to start.

Sex is like exercise, when you're out of the habit, you don't remember what you liked about it. But when you're in the habit, you feel really good. He may just need a jumpstart to get back into the habit. And you can be the catalyst to make that happen. Be prepared to take the initiative for quite a while, however....because it may take him some time to get back into the "swing".