Right in the start of November, before the holidays, my husband went to a pub with a friend to watch a pay-per-view fight. He isn't a man who hangs out at bars, so I am sure it wasn't expected that he would be there to catch our neighbor making out with a woman we have met at their house several times. She is also married, and they work together.

The husband saw my husband, and made himself scarce. I wish he hadn't, but my husband approached the woman (he couldn't find the neighbor), and asked what the hell?? She drunkenly barffed up the whole dirty story-- telling my husband that she and our neighbor had "been together" for months, she wanted him to leave his family (he has two young children), blah blah blah. She told him "everybody cheats sometimes", as if it were no big deal. She couldn't believe it when my husband told her that was not true, that she was just trying to make herself believe she wasn't such a scumbag for ruining this family. It got unfriendly...

To make matters more odd, the neighbor wife showed up at the bar to give the husband a ride home, and when she couldn't find him she offered my husband and his friend a ride. Then, in the car, she started asking my husband these accusing questions about "who is he(my husband) meeting when he walks the dog"? as if My husband were the cheater! He was shocked and offended. He kept his mouth shut and came home and told me everything.

Okay, so at first I was pissed and confused about why she would behave that way with my husband-- in the past she has teased us for being "so sweet" together. But I realized she might be a little envious of our relationship, and certainly she must know SOMEthing is going on with her husband, and is projecting. So I let that go. But it made me not know what to do, otherwise...

I figure that if she knows something, she is choosing not to act for some reason. If I tell her what we know, I fear I may be forcing her hand before she is ready to deal with it. She is NOT stupid. (she is a lawyer, infact). Also, last year she was suspicious that her husband was cheating with a woman at his work, and they were even separated for awhile. I was happy when they decided to work it out, because of the children. But she has gone out of her way on several occasions to make me believe this "woman" was not THAT woman...when it turns out it is. (Something else the woman told my husband that night). So obviously, she doesn't want me to know for some reason. Probably because I would ask her what she was thinking letting this B**** in her home, and around her family?! Why has she made friends with the woman she felt was messing with her husband??

The whole thing has me SICK to my stomach for months now. I have felt I had to pull back from my friendship with the wife, because I feel like I am lying to her with my silence, AND because the whole thing makes me so mad I will blow my top. Our children used to play together all the time... To make matters worse, we still see this woman AND her husband over to their home all the time-- even on Thanksgiving!! AND this woman seems to go out of her way to say "hi" to my husband if she sees him outside going to his car, or checking the mail. (It is just her good luck that I haven't seen her myself). The WHOLE thing is making me NUTS. I hate the idea that these two people may be under the impression that my husband was not IMMEDIATELY honest with me! Even the idea of that feels like a punch to the integrity of our relationship. I also hate the idea that they may believe that because we haven't told on them, we are somehow complicit with their scumbagery. And I am not unusually the type to keep my silence in the face of someone I care about being hurt...The whole thing goes against my grain in a huge way.

But I know that this woman was HOPING to blow everything up, and force the cheating neighbor to leave his family. I don't want to be the one who forces that hand, and ruins the kids life-- and does her dirty work for her.

What do I do? Stay silent, assuming that it is not our place to blow anything up? Assume the wife must know something, and respect her choice? Should I at least say something to the cheaters, so they at least know we are not trying to protect THEM? Should I continue to keep my distance from my friend, or just act like nothing is wrong when I am around her, and deal with my anxiety? OUr while relationship has changed, so she must know something os wrong...but she hasn't asked. What if she does ask? What then?

Thank you,
Sick to my Stomach

Dear Sick,

Before I respond, I feel compelled to compliment you first. Number one, the restraint you have shown thus far has been exceptional. You are obviously thoughtful and caring and have the wisdom to have held back this long already. Second, your use of the the word "scumbagery" in your description really takes the cake!

I, myself, have been in similar situations before...and I know how unbelievably difficult this must be for you. After all, you care for your friend, and I'm sure you feel YOU would want to know if the situation was reversed. But, it's not you.

As you suggest, I believe your friend may have an inkling, somewhere deep down, that something is going on. In many ways, her silence speaks volumes. However, her situation is complex, and we just don't know how her past history is shaping her responses and really can't (or shouldn't) judge. As difficult as it is, it's her issue--and she will have to deal with it soon enough. I believe she will keep being given opportunities to learn whatever lesson she needs to learn from this experience over and over until she is ready to learn it.

I suspect that at some point, when she is ready, she may ask you if you know anything--and, at that point, telling the truth--with as few details as absolutely necessary is the kindest choice. Something to the affect of, "My husband saw them together once, but since you all are friends, we weren't comfortable making more out of it than you would". She will really need your help and support when she is ready to deal with it, so you can take some comfort in knowing you will be there for her when the time comes. In the meantime, the distance you are keeping from her is natural, and helpful. Try to just accept whatever happens and be there for her when/if she opens up to you.

And as far as what the cheaters think of you and your husband? I once heard an expression I remind myself of very very often--"What others think of us is none of our business".