Alright, so...there's this guy, whose name I won't say..but lets just say he is
....amazing. almost perfect. his only fault is that he's too perfect, and that makes me shy around him. unbearably shy.
He's not loud, he's not obnoxious. he's quiet, but when he talks, his words are always calm, and just the right thing to say. he's laid back and mysterious, but also funny and clever.

I can't remember how we started talking, but we did this year.

and for lack of something non-cliche, i fell in love with him.
In my mind, every time he messaged me on facebook, it was a sign that he really adored me the same way I did him.
we found that we had a lot in common.
so one day, i invited him to come over during christmas break.
and he did.
we watched a movie, went to the library, went to his house.
it was like a dream.
nothing happened, as in, neither of us made any moves.
but, I felt like I was totally not myself.
it was the strangest thing. I heard myself saying really mean things.
like, i started making fun of this one kind of dorky kid that goes to our school.
just stuff i don't usually do at all. i could barely believe the words as they came out of my mouth.

since then, it's been sort of downhill.
we still talked on facebook for a while.

but now the thing is, every time he's on facebook, i wait for him to message me, the way he used to. but he doesn't anymore.
he's online, but he doesn't message me.
i see him sign off without a single word.
i guess i really just dont mean that much to him.
i dunno. im just really confused.
and it's not just something i can let go.
i know that in ten years, none of this will really matter.
but every time i see him, my stomach clenches, and every time somebody messages me on facebook i still hope it might be him.
and every time i see him in school i act like he's insignificant to me.
i can't be around him too long, or im afraid I'll do something stupid.

so....basically....i feel heartachy.
to know him has always been wonderful. but now it's just painful.
just really, really painful.
i've been dealing with it in my usual manners of songwriting and poetrywriting and listening to music and journalwriting and just crying to myself.
nothing seems to be helping.
From,
Awfully Lovesick

Dear Awfully Lovesick,

Your sign-off actually said it all. You are "lovesick" and just because you won't remember it in ten years doesn't make it unimportant today. It is important. Being crazy about someone and unsure of how they feel about you is as anxiety-producing as it gets.

You are also a very obviously a bright young woman who has just not found her own authentic "voice" as of yet. You will. That mean stuff you said? Forgive yourself. He probably said some pretty weird stuff, himself. Both of you are just struggling to communicate, and communication is difficult--even in long-term relationships.

You are doing all the right things to heal--journalling, writing poetry and music, etc. A good run or dance class wouldn't hurt either. Sweating has a way of getting some of those "stuck feelings" moving. But mostly--and I know you are going to hate to hear this--it's going to take a little time. When your mind runs crazy with anxious thoughts, just take a deep breath and say to yourself, "That's just my mind running crazy. Right this moment, I am okay". Be kind to yourself.

The Truth Teller.